and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
