it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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