Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
