i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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