Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
