Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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