Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
