google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
