i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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