So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
