I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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