When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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