just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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