I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
