hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
