I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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