I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
