I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
