I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
