WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
