So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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