I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
