I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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