So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
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I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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