I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You were trust falling into bushes
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
