Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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