I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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