pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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