tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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