Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
