just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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