You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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