I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
