If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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