Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
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maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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