Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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