I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
