Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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