A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
