Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
