the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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