I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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