Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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