I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
