Just fell off a train. Bad.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
