The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
