I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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