I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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