An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
