I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
