I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
