The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
