I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
did you just send me my own nude
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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