I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
