Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
