yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
