alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
