i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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